Sometimes ya just gotta slaughter you some vampires.

I just finished de-infesting the burnt remains of Sunnydale High as Xander, then cleared a creepy old mine shaft as Faith.

It simply had to be done.

It's odd that I am SO addicted to the world of horror videogames.

I don't have some clever point to make about the Human Condition or my nature or anything, I just find it a bit odd. Since I discovered RESIDENT EVIL 2 and RESIDENT EVIL CODE: VERONICA (on the now-defunct Sega Saturn platform) I find that I just sometimes NEED to run around a severely disturbing environment and destroy monsters.

Probably something from my childhood, but I can't be bothered to figure it out.

I got to spend some more time on Douglas Adams's second Earth, reading a few more chapters of SO LONG, AND THANKS FOR ALL THE FISH to my Gnomey Goddess again tonight. :) I always enjoy that! It's like 2 fetishes wrapped up into a single activity for me! :P

And, natch, I spent A LOT of time talking to, flirting with, being WILDLY inappropriate with and playing games with my dear, darling Wendy-Lady today... And this morning... And last night... And yesterday morning, heheh :) I had to abandon her twice, to get a money order to pay the rent (and one to keep Brian in POPULAR SCIENCE magazines until 2009, heheh), and then to go with Mom and Brian to get him a new cell phone for his upcoming 32nd birthday (Mom's present to him; his was stolen out of his car a few weeks back and neither of us has the money to replaces it).

My Sprint PCS store sucks now! They have, maybe, a third of the inventory they used to have! And you can't walk into it and by the bare-basic Nokia... You gotta buy some slightly-suped-up model that has the Talk and End buttons hidden beneath unmarked buttons that perform NO task that you would ever actually WANT your phone to perform! WTF's THAT about?!

Maybe I'm just old. I've never even owned a picture phone yet.

Still, before I go off on too much of a rant, cell phone are now FINALLY reasonably affordable. Brian's ended up only costing $104. The last time I priced cell phones, the cheapest was right at $200 (with mail-in rebates and all-but-useless customer discounts and all that crap), and the most expensive was $350.

I love Sprint and their service -- and dispite what current competitor comercials claim, I have YET to have a call dropped (knock on wood), but the companies that make cell phones (and don't even get me STARTED on the companies that, so-called, "insure" the phones) are bastards and should have their greedy testicales forcibly removed and fed to them!!! (Except for Nokia, so far.) They produce sub-par equipment and charge WAY to fucking much for it!!! They seem to spend all their time trying to figure out what bells and whistles to put on the next model, ignoring the problems and faults of what they're currently putting out!

Bastards!

Sorry.

See, I think this is why I had to slaughter vampires and demons and zombies tonight. In my subconscious, I was slaying cell phone "manufacturers".

It's amazing how on the way to the Sprint store this low-level agression just built up in me, buzzing around inside of my like 3 loose lugnuts slowly vibrating off a rapidly spinning car tire, signaling the eventual disaster that IS GOING TO HAPPEN, in just a matter of time. And the car ride back didn't diminish the feeling in the slightest.

...but then...

I get home to a couple of IMs Wendy left me, and my heart is suddenly filled with this sense of well-being and safety and joy, then there's no room left for the cell-phone-buzzing-lugnuts and it's forced out of every pore and orifice. (Okay, not the most eloquent or romantic description, but it certainly hits the nail squarely on the head.)

I hope I don't ever take for granted her and what she does for me! I can already see how it would be so easy to stop battling my inner demons and just go running to her to make me feel better! That would be SUCH a waste of her beautiful spirit, and our relationship! Because what we have seems to build off of each other, and it would suck if one of us brought less to any given conversation... It's like a campfire on a chilly desert night: 3 logs is pretty bright and warm, but just adding that forth log seems to make the light and temperature PERFECT. You know?

Maybe I'm getting too far out-there. Sorry.

My sweet Gnomey is dreading going back to work tomorrow. :( I'll only get to see her when she wakes up for a few hours, then when I wake up for a few hours. This last couple of weeks we've enjoyed A LOT of time together!!! And then we discovered -- while she was on holiday -- that text messages and emails just aren't the same as our video-chats. And now that we're going to BOTH be on our work schedules, our time becomes even more limited...

I'm certain it'll all work out for the best eventually -- the Universe seems to give us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it -- but it sucks here, now, in the moment.

Still, I can already see a possible future bennifit: The last 3 days, I've been slacking off on my writing... Not Wendy's fault in the least, but when she was on vacation writing was the main way I took my mind off missing her. So now that she's going back to work, I can see that I may be writing more furiously, lol. Those long hours after she goes to work and before I go to bed may become QUITE productive. lol

OMG!!! She wrote me THE MOST BEAUTIFUL email!!! I mean, everything she writes me is AMAZING, and every email seems to top the last somehow, but this one she wrote me while I was alseep today...!!!

I don't know if I've blogged about it, but one of the aspects of her and our relationship that just SURPRISES THE HELL OUT OF ME is that now, where I once had faith about getting into the film industry I now have CERTAINTY. Somehow, she just made it a fact.

Before, becoming a professional filmmaker was a way to have a better life than I have, doing something I love to pay the bills. I was trying to become a filmmaker to become a filmmaker essentially. But now, my goal is to be with Wendy ALWAYS... and filmmaking -- as wonderful and magical and exciting as it is -- is just a job I'm interviewing for. I'll get the job, sure. But my focus isn't on the interview, it's on spending time with her before the interview and getting back home to her afterward.

I know that must seem like the exact same thing -- becoming a filmmaker will improve my quality of life. But it really is different. My quality of life doesn't need to be imporved. I'm ecstatically, blissfully happy! I don't HAVE TO become a filmmaker to have a better life. I don't have to have a BETTER life. I just need to get a way to make a home and get my Gnomey Goddess here. (And my skill as a storyteller seems the most likely to accomplish that goal, not to be immodest or anything.)

I guess that's the difference I;m trying to illustrate... Before, being a skillfull storyteller was my focus, but now she is my focus, and my skill is no longer in doubt.

Does that make any sense?

Blah.

If you're into actors and acting it might. Many actors who got these roles that made them superstars will tell you that they -- for the first time in their careers, often -- weren't worried about getting that particular role... Often they thought that there was simply no way that they would get it and therefor the audition was just this exercise in formality, or they had something else in their life that was overshadowing the role, so that they were too distracted to really be concerned about getting the part. In both cases, their focus wasn't getting the part. And because they did the work they had to do, but didn't feel the pressure of the end result, their audition tended to shine above everyone else that auditioned for the same role. (We're talking about hundreds, and sometimes hundreds-of-thousands of competing actors.)

So I've spend 14 years and I-can't-count-how-many lifetimes honing my craft. But until now, my focus has always been on "getting the part". But Gnomey comes along, and my focus can't be shifted to anything else! It's not like when I'm at the station collecting my paycheck I'm tripping an stumbling through my day, screwing up everything I touch because I can't focus. It's more like, I do all my work and I do it right, but even if I have 50 things to get right at once, they can't stress me like they could before her, because they aren't as poweful as they once were.

Blah.

I'm really cocking this up. I can't sem to find the metaphors and analogies that make this feeling make sense.

I guess that's why poets have jobs, lol.

Okay, so besides the above mish-mash about how being with Wendy now is like Christ Himself coming down and telling me "You will live to and old age, happily and prosperously, and you will eventually have all that you desire and all that you will grow to desire and more that you didn't even know that you desired, and all you have to do is just be you, so don't sweat any of it," she has offered herself to me in a way that no other woman -- no other person -- has offered themselves to me before: In all my endevours she'll be my muse or my collaborator or the shoulder I can cry on or someone to rub my shoulders after a long day at work. She KNOWS that I (all of us: Brian, Tommy, Kelly, et. al) will succeed, and she will be there for me in ANY capacity I need her to be.

HOW fuckin' GENREROUS is THAT?!!

She doesn't know this, but she's saying this to a cat who has been told by a girlfriend "You can write, just do it when I'm busy." (And aforementioned girlfriend was ONLY busy what I was at my pay-the-bills job.) I have also been told, "No, I believe you'll make it as a writer, but that's gonna be a long, LONG time in the future." (She ended up being right, considering how long ago the statement was made, but I'm bitching about the principal here, not the accuracy, of the statement.)

And after ALREADY making me feel like we WILL succeed, THIS is when she makes this offer to me!!! I mean, she already gave me success -- by permanently altering the way I percieve it and the process of obtaining it -- and now she's offering any help she can possibly offer!!!

Good God in Heaven and all His blessed angels, this woman is the answer to all my most feverish or whimsical prayers!!! EVER!!!

And the REALLY sweet part is this: That's just her being her. That's simply how she feels about me. How do I know? Because of EVERYTHING she says and does. Everything.

Come to think of it, I believe I have some writing to catch up on. :D