Vexing Ad Language

I spend WAAAAAYYYYYY too much time airing comercials!!! I work at a TV station, so even though I don't watch TV at home, I'm still bombarded with mind-numbing crap.

Like this one comercial...

You see hot girls wandering around outside and having their pictures taken while hot music plays... Then finally a silky female voice says "Why settle for just 15 minutes of fame? BOGO: Buy One Get One Half Off."

WHAT?!!!

WTF is that SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!!!

Have you seen this? Is this just a regional ad?

How is the act of buying 2 pairs of shoes going extend one's "15 Minutes of Fame"?!! It's like the so-called "writer" of that commercial believes that just buy placing that sentence (well, that clause) behind that question will somehow magically create some sort of logic or meaning!

I mean, don't get me wrong... The BOGO campain has been doomed from the start. The first commercials featured Star Jones (a woman famous for... Why is she famous again?). And even the term "BOGO" shows that the advertising firm is WAY-lazy! "Buy One Get One... half off..."

And when did Dairy Queen become "DQ"?!! I mean, I know WHEN... but did calling the place "DQ" ACTUALLY make it a hipper place to eat? Are Tweens and Teens and College Students suddenly going "I need me a Hungerbuster, Yo!"?!!

And "KFC", too! Are the Cool Kids now hanging out at KFC on Saturday nights because the franchise dropped the "entucky ried hicken"?!!

Another way-stupid name: "Smart Start Healthy Heart"... WTF?!!! The box says it may -- may -- help make your heart healthier. It's a perfectly legal claim that, in fact, promises NOTHING to the purchaser of the product. NOTHING. Moreover, the claim goes on to include "in addition to a healthy lifestyle".

So... If you live a healthy lifestyle AND eat this Smart Start Healthy Heart, then you MAY have a healthier heart.

?!

However, I can make the claim that if you life a healthy lifestyle AND ready my blog religiously, you MAY have healthier bowels. And my claim is ABSOLUTELY AS VALID as the Smart Start Healhty Heart claim.

Advertising language is designed to be sue-proof, and the only way to be completely free from litigation is to SAY NOTHING. If you never want to get sued, don't say, do or think ANYTHING... and you may have a chance.

But what's the point of advertising if you're not really telling anyone about your product?!!

The point is (a) to tell you that the product exists -- and, ideally, tell you while you're riding the high of watching your favorite programs -- and (b) to HOPE YOU'RE NOT LISTENING. Seriously, sue-proof language relies on the assumtion that YOU, the viewer of the ad, is not paying close attention to what is ACTUALLY being said. They want you to hear "healthy heart" and not "may". They want you to hear "get one half off" and not hear "buy one".

There's another one, and I'm pretty sure it IS regional (not national), and I can't remember what they were trying to sell me. But the commerical starts off with the question "Would you like to potentially increase your income by 50%?"

And my response is always -- and sometimes out-loud, 'cause the ad vexes me SO -- "No!"

You caught that, right? "Would you like to potentially increase your income by 50%?"

If they asked if I would LIKE TO INCREASE my income, they might (MIGHT) have my attention. But these wieners don't even have the balls to offer me that! They ask if I want to POTENTIALLY increase my income!!!

Now, the fact that someone paid to have this spot aired a billion times over the next however-many months suggets that they want my money. Somehow, someway, they want me to pay them.

But they're not even offering me anything. ANYTHING! They're offering me the POTENTIAL to earn more money. I can buy a book about business for half price (or less) at a used-book store and possess the POTENTIAL to increase my income by up to 50%. Hell, I can by a $0.25 business book at a garage sale and possess the potential to increase my income by 400%!!!

But you remember what your parents said about potential? "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush."

So why am I gonna give someone my money for potential? A dollar buys me the potential to become independantly wealthy... Why don't I just sink my dough into the lottery?

Ad agencies believe that the reason I'm going give them my money isbecause I'm going to hear what I want to hear, and not hear "potential". Because I'm a mindless consumer, and I don't understand the language I speak well enough to understand what ALL the words they use mean together.

Blah!

Sorry. I just... This is how I earn my paycheck, listening to this crap for 40 hours a week. And the writing stands out to my ear in particular because when I hear it I'm thinking "Somebody GOT PAID to write those words while I'm sitting here getting paid to listen to them".

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to write for ad agencies. Not that it isn't a noble occupation. Lawrence Kasdan wrote for an ad agency before he wrote RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK -- a screenplay that is STILL studied for it's brilliant and innovative craft.

But I am annoyed that Payless Shoes heard "BOGO" and didn't say "WHAT?!!! Try a little bit harder, you fucks, or we're hiring someone else!" kinda makes me nuts. You know?

I guess what annoys me most is this: If you can't legally make a claim about your product, then DON'T. It's pretentious to try to be all cool and hip, or to take yourself seriously at all!

Before X3, my brother and I watched this GREAT Sprite commercial...

It's many differnt brain-bending scenarios intercut, but one of them is 2 big-ass Sumo dudes, one painted yellow and one painted green. They're in the middle of this obviously fake forrest at night, running in intense slow-motion toward each other. Between them is a Napolean-Dynamite looking dude wearing a powder-blue, Disco-era tux, just sitting obliviously on a rock. These Sumos keep charging each other until, finally, their big ol' Sumo bellies collide... AGAINST THE GEEK-DUDE'S FACE!!! His face is SKWISHED between the Sumo Bellies...

...AND THEN HE'S REFRESHED!!! Having his face pancaked by a giant yellow and a giant green Sumo Stomach refreshed him! WHY? Because this is an ad for Sprite!

And I laughed so hard that a couple of kids sitting next to me asked "Are you okay?" And in a very high-pitched voice between tummy-torturing laughs I said "I don't think so".

But see, Sprite goes "Look, we're not gonna make you healthier, we're not gonna make you richer, but we're Sprite and we want your money. So here, laugh for 30 seconds."

Now, I still drink the generic version because I'm Po' Folk, and I prefer the after-taste of diet colas anyway.

BUT... Sprite's not insulting my intelligence, treating me like some mindless livestock.

Blah.

Okay, I'm done ranting.

Just had to get all that out of my system before it festered.