Happy Happy Happy...

Joy Joy Joy!!!

I think they put crack in pepperoni rolls!

Okay, not too long after I got to Austin (early 1990s) I discovered a pizzaria called Double Dave's. They had a buffet which featured all-you-can-eat pizza AND... something called Pepperoni Rolls. These ingeneous creations are simply sliced pepperoni and cheese (probably mozzerella) wrapped in pizza dough.

But here's the kicker:

RANCH DRESSING!!!

At first I recoiled at the idea of dipping my Itallian treats into Ranch dressing. I didn't even eat Ranch on my salad! (To be perfectly frank, I didn't eat salad... But if forced, I ate it dry... No dressing.)

But then this hot girl I was dating, who had grown up in Austin and with Double Dave's pizza, convinced me to try it. (She was really hot.)

So I dip my pepperoni roll into her Ranch dressing...

...AND THE ANGELS, THEY DID SING!!!

I mean, Double Dave's also offered Marinara sauce for dipping, and this made PERFECT sense to me. (I mean, the silly fools had forgotten to include tomoato sauce in the ingredites to be wrapped up into the pizza dough, so at least they offered it after the fact... Why it was served cold, however, I didn't understand.) And I dipped many a pepperonni roll in marinara.

BUT THE RANCH...!!!

So anyway...

It has been YEARS since I've enjoyed that singular taste.

And money's tight for the Edwards Boys... But... Selfish bastard I am I went ahead and splurged...

I don't know if Double Dave's still exists -- I haven't seen a restaurant in Austin this mellinium -- but my co-worker Petey-Pie (that's his full, legal name) told me this place, Austin's Pizza, has peperroni rolls... AND THEY'RE GOOD.

And Petey-Pie WAS NOT LYIN'!!!

It was a culinary orgasm!!!

Seriously, that meal turned an okay day into HEAVEN!!! I feel an almost post-coital sense of bliss and enthusiasm!!! LIFE IS GREAT!!!

I'm not kidding, they have to put some sort of mood-elevators in their dough or something!!! I have not felt THIS good -- sober -- in QUITE a WHILE!

And I just want to say:

I LOVE YOU, MAN!!! I really, really love you!!!

Family Feud is good for something...

At the moment, I'm thinking Unintentional Humor!

"Name something two people can ride at the same time."

Um... A Swedish Boy-Toy, Al? (Richard Karn from TOOL TIME is the current host, yuk-yuk.)

I know... I'm just straight-up wrong.

Sry :)

U2inSL Concert!!!

Once I came up with the GREATEST idea of ALL TIME... Get KISS into SL!!!

It would be a simple gig for them! They're used to touring all year round, the meet & greets, all the traveling a hoopla... Playing gigs in SL would be A BREEZE by comparison! They could do it from their homes, just log-in, wander around, still do meet & greets, preform a show by pointing and clicking... And people could tell their friends they saw KISS!

Then I saw a poster in SL, and someone had already had my idea, and implimented it, and IMPROVED UPON IT...

U2inSL!

That's the name of a tribute band who is actively supporting the ONE Cause, and they have apparently worked out some deal with the Lindens (LindenLabs, the company that created and runs SecondLife) where they have avatars that are exact replicas of U2, AND they sport U2's names -- Bono Vox, The Edge, Adam Claton and Larry Mullen. (SL avs have to have a first and second name, so that's why Bono is "Bono Vox" rather than just "Bono". I want to say the earliest incarnation of his name was one word, "bonovox", but I could be mistaken.)

And these cats play gigs in SL! For FREE, even! Their souveniers are even free! (I got a T-shirt and a poster... I'm not greedy.)

So anyway, my sweety got hung up in RL -- we had planned to hang tonight -- so I thought I'd attend tonight's U2inSL concert.

I crashed out (more on that in a sec), but I got to enjoy several songs and quite a show!!!

A note about concerts in SL...

Whenever you get a bunch of people together in a confined space, it messes with the computers that create SL.

SL is essentially a game. Think about the detailing and graphins in your favorite video game versus the graphics in a PIXAR flick -- the game isn't nearly as detailed and perfect, right? That's because the game has to facilitate human spontaneity. It has to be able to respond to any command you make in nanoseconds (or else you'd become very cross). Whereas PIXAR can put all the computers' resources into the image, the game has to factor in human responses, dividing the resources between graphics and function.

Okay, so SL is like that... BUT...

More than one player.

In fact, tonight's concert facilitated 70 audience members -- in adition to the 4 band members, any techies they needed to make the show work (granted, not nearly as many as an RL rock show, but still, the band doesn't pull it off along) and I saw a few security people as well (because people want to get up on the stage in SL, too... AND it's a lot easier, as you can FLY in SL).

So whenever you get a lot of people together in a single space (or "sim", short for "simulator") it really messes with the computers. Movement starts to lag, and weaker computers (even stronger computers) crash.

So SL has created some rules for concerts.

In SL you can do just about anything to your avatar. You can wear all sorts of stuff to make it move not just like a human, but in a sexy way, or like an animal (if you're what's known in-world as a "Furry"), you can wear shields to protect against people with weapons, you can were belts that make you fly higher and faster, you can be decked out with jewelry -- all of which has a script that makes is shinier than real jewelry... Just no end to it.

But every script and every prim you wear has to be accounted for by the computers that draw the world ever nth of a second, and FOR every person in the sim.

So in SL you're limited to how much of the computers' resources you can take up. Basically, you can't wear ANYTHING with a script (unless you're a Furry, but even then you're asked to keep it to the bare essentials) and you're not allowed to wear Prim Hair.

After you've been in SL for a while you notice that there is Noobie (as in "new-by") skin and hair and clothes, then there is the GOOD stuff. The stuff you or other people make, the stuff you buy, the stuff that looks closer to PIXAR than the default hair you make for yourself when you first join.

It took me a while, but I finally succame (is that right?) to the social stigma and bought a skin and prim hair and all that stuff.

Then this concert comes along, and I had to go back a make some prim hair, and take off all my scripted stuff, so I could attend the show, lol. (In fact, I've recently gone Furry... I now sport cat ears and tail, and dress a great deal butch-er than I used to, lol!)

So even though earlier SL pics show me as I currently look, in these pics I'm stripped down to bare-bones, Noobie style.

I wanted to point out this little lady. She's a friend of mine. When my gf can't be in SL, a lot of times this lady keeps me out of trouble ;P She loves U2, so she joined me at the concert. (Also, she often dresses a LOT RACIER, lol!)

What I got to see was a fun show!!!

A lifetime goal was fulfilled a few years ago when U2 came to Austin and I was able to see them live. (I've been a HUGE fan since high school!!!)

I can't honestly tell you that seeing U2inSL was the same experience -- there were some aspects that were better (like being able to zoom my view RIGHT UP NEXT TO the performers) and many that weren't (there's a spiritual feeling at a U2 show that you can't even get watching a dvd of the show) -- but it was REALLY COOL!!!

Now... if someone could figure out how to do Blue Man Group in SL...

Boo Creepy Foot Doctor

Boo creepy foot doctor.

Hurray beer!

Red Stripe commercials are THE BEST EVER!!! I wanna buy a dvd that's just ALL the Red Stripe commercials and they just play over and over on a loop, 24/7!!!

The first one I saw from this latest campaign (that doesn't look like it's spelled right) has this guy sitting at his kitchen table, hacking at his hair with a vaccuum hose, his hair is all uneven and horribly mangled.

Then he looks over and sees the little Red Stripe guy, who says "Boo hairstying vaccuum attatchments. Hurray beer!"... Or something like that.

GENIUS!!!

I mean, just look at those two sentences: "Boo hairstyling vaccuum attatchments." "Hurray beer!"

It's almost like 6 words strung randomly together... But when you create a mental image of these words IT'S BRILLIANT!!!

I wish I had a random-word-picking program, so I could try to write my own Red Stripe commercials! That would be a cool drinking game, too!

Boo title posting wu templates. Hurray beer!

Boo edit status blog settings. Hurray beer!

(I'm just looking at this web page and stringing words together. But it kinda works...)

Boo sign-out internet help dashboard. Hurray beer!

You could probably do it with song lyrics, too!!!

Boo my spirit sleeping somewhere cold. Hurray beer!

Okay, I'm going straight-up nonsensical now. ;P

Just wanted to check in and take up some of your time.

PEACE! :)

What IS is what is.

That's not my attempt at a Zen koan or anything.

It's just a fact of reality that I don't think many people get. And it's wierd, because until I accepted and understood this fact I spent quite a lot of time being unhappy.

Okay, if you're not interested in my mental calisthenics, you may want to skip this one, 'cause I just got this bug in my ear and I'm sort of rolling it around between my fingers and just seeing what it is here.

Anyway...

I think part of the reason is that, for whatever reason, we tend to think that if we accept a situation as being what it is, then we are defeated by that situation... The situation has beaten our will. But as long as we refuse to accept a situation for what it is, then we have a chance of changing it.

I don't know where this comes from. (And I freely admit it may only be ME that feels this way... Although... I kind of doubt it.)

But I no longer see things that way. Now I believe that by accepting what a situation is allows me to clearly look for ways AROUND the parts of the situation I wish to change.

Like, I want to be a filmmaker but I don't have anything that would convince a production company to hire me. For some 12 or 13 years I refused to accept that as truth. "I'm just as good as 90% of the people getting paid to work in film! They SHOULD hire me!" If I accepted the situation as it was I would never get paid to make movies.

(Weak example, I know... But applicable. You can find something better from your own life, probably.)

However, once I accepted the situation as it IS (rather than living in the denial of what I wanted it to be) I was able to see the solution... Create something that will convince a production company to hire me.

Easy.

Well... NOT, lol. But do-able, at least!

(Actually, my solution was to become a production company and find access to production moneys, namely by finding a deal-maker who is INTO hooking production companies with money from people/businesses that regularly invest in film... But you get the point, right?)

But it's like... If I fell off a boat into shark-infested water and I spotted a shark swimming by, I wouldn't believe that I could WILL the shark to not eat me. I wouldn't believe that by NOT accepting the situation AS IT IS that I could affect the outcome.

In fact, I would know that my NOT accepting the reality of my situation I would, very likely, DIE.

The way out of that particular situation would be TO ACCEPT IT FOR WHAT IT IS.

Then... act accordingly. Don't splash around. If I have a cut, try to cover it or keep it out of the water. Keep as constant a watch on the movements of the shark as the water (and the shark's movements) will allow.

But, as another example... It once took me 6 years to accept that the woman I was certain I was in love with couldn't love be back in the same way. Because if I accepted it, it would become true.

However... Once I DID accept that truth, I was able re-evaluate my situation and start looking for other solutions to my problem. AND re-examining and better defining the problem itself. (Sometimes what we thing we want is actually a place-holder for what we REALLY want, only we haven't figured that out yet.)

Another thing that, I believe, trips people up about the basic truth "what IS is what is" is a misperception that what IS is what WILL ALWAYS BE.

Quantum physicists, some mystics and a few REALLY COOL sci-fi writers tell us that Time is an illusion of human perception... that events don't actually unfold in a linear manner, but actually co-exist simultaneously. But the human mind can only deal with Reality by filtering it through a linear perception that creates the illusion that we are borne, grown old and die.

Which, I think, leads us to thing that things click into place and run along a path from there. So like marriage: We fall in love, and once we are in love we remain in love for the rest of our lives.

And if we're lucky, that works out for us fine.

But experience -- not only my own, of course -- has shown me that at some point (probably many points) the NATURE of that love changes. Often when the first or second change occurs, the marriage ends. But for those dedicated to the ideal of marriage, that change simply causes a re-evaluation of the relationship, and the bond between the lovers usually actually GROWS from that point on.

Point is, I think it's our linear-perception nature that makes us assume that once something is a certain way, it will remain that way for the rest of our Reality.

But I think open, honest observers will recognize that things change. Nothing -- NOTHING -- remains the same. It just doesn't.

Even with inanimate objects, our perceptions of and feelings about an inanimate object changes according to our experiences. When I was 7 Scooby Doo cartoons were this great escape, a reality that I just realy enjoyed getting lost in. When I was 14 Scooby Doo cartoons were just stupid, a series of jokes that don't come close to making me laugh. At 35 Scooby Doo cartoons are the product of industry profesionals who were animating gags and telling jokes that would have made them laugh 30 or 50 years before when they were kids, a bunch of old guys reliving their childhoods. (I don't know how old the animators of the Scooby Doo series(es) were, but them being old farts out-of-touch with the generation they were animating for is the best explaination I can come up with -- other than blatant drug abuse.)

My point is that Scooby Doo didn't change. My perception of it did due to my experiences, as filtered through my linear observation aparatus.

But even so, even if time did flow in a direction, and a single sirection... Experience shows us over and over again that nothing remains the same. If we have something good, we may loose it.

Or at the very least, it will change in some way. Maybe into something bad!

Or...

Maybe into something better.

That's the thing we don't think about when we're fighting a particular situational truth. We think we have it all figured out: THIS is what I want. THIS... nothing more!

But let's say you've got a car, and you like it fine. It doesn't have a cd player and the AC hasn't really worked in a year or two, but you've got the car.

Then it dies.

The engine is busted and it'll cost more to replace it than what you owe on the financing. And besides, the mechanic tells you, even TRYING TO replace the engine is most likely a waste of time and money.

Well that's just the worst thing EVER, right? You shake your tiny fists at the heavens because how could Fate be so cruel and ruin your life in this way?!!

That very thing happened to me, and the car I'm currently driving is, like, 100% better -- in just about EVERY respect -- than the car that I so bemoaned the loss of.

My situation was that I had a decent car. That changed.

I had no car. That changed.

Now I have a really good car.

That, too, will change.

But -- for instance -- if Brian and Tommy and I succeed in our plan to get the financing to make a movie next year, my situation may change FOR THE BETTER. I mean, it happened once, right?

Change doesn't mean "for the worse." But I think that our mental programing tends to make us think of the situations we are in in very limited ways. "If this situation is good, and it changes, it will then be bad." When the Reality we live in is much more fascinating and creative than that. MUCH more so than WE are. Hell, we percieve Time in a linear fashion, for heaven's sake!


So then...

Once I was able to accept -- even embrace -- the fact of "what IS is what is" I was able to start looking around and seeing what options were available to me. See, before that I thought my options were "accept this" or "don't accept this". So my actions were impotent and fruitless, because I wasn't actually taking action to affect my situation.

But once I realized the truth, I was able to say "Okay, I can't affect whether or not this woman will love me, so what CAN I affect?"

Well, in that particular situation, I was able to look at what I got from love. Part of that was a good feeling about who I am. Another part was a sense of being able to enjoy life.

Turns out that I was able to give myself both of those things! I possessed self-esteem and I possessed fun all along... I had just gotten used to not having to provide them for myself. (But once I figured out that I possessed them, I was then able to share both of those things with others!!! I could help others feel good about themselves, and I was able to help others have fun! And here's a secret if you're a guy reading this: Women actually find that kinda sexy ;P)

Once I was able to accept that what IS is what is I was able to recognize that most of the time my own attitude toward a situation -- and it's solution -- often had A LOT to do with the outcome of that situation. Just aproaching things in a positive way allowed me to imagine outcomes that I could not have imagined back when I was stuck in that "accept it/don't accept it" headspace. I became able to get jiggy with solutions, get all creative with them.

That made for more interesting -- and enjoyable -- outcomes :)

It's like, we don't get pissed-off because the sun goes down. We accept that that happnes. That's just reality.

So we go out and do night-time things.

After all, there are some things that are actually more fun to do at night.

That's just how it IS ;P

Battlestar Galactica RULZ!!!

I know I'm, like, a couple of years behind everyone else...

But I spent a few hours Sunday and MANY hours Monday watching the first 2 1/2 discs of BG: Season 1!!! Finally!

And I gotta say... Ritchard Hatch: Da BOMB!!! And Lorne Green as Commander Adama!!! DUDE!!!

Just kidding ;P

I'm actually talking about the new Sci-Fi Channle version of the show! (The link is to BattlestarGalactica.com because the Sci-Fi Channel site is RIDICULOUSLY cumberson and almost crashed my pc! They're using Flash animation, but their Flash artists are obviously HACKS who don't understand how to shrink the file-size down for people who actually have to use the Internet to view the files!!!)

Oh, but Richard Hatch IS Da Bomb!

If you're not familiar with the new series, I won't elaborate here ;) Sry.

Yesterday, Brian and I spent a good amount of time working on his script. Nothing I would call a break-through, but good work none the less!!! In fact, I came up with a way to utilize SL as a role-playing tool to help in the development process!!!

If we can figure out how to get Tommy in-world to be a third sort of "improv artist" the development might actually take off like a bullet!!! But that would take him away from his lovely family... Which would be selfish... And I'm not THAT self...

Who am I kidding? I'm TOTALLY that selfish!!! I'll start nagging him tomorrow! :D

We Saw DEAD MAN'S CHEST!!!

Brian and FINALLY saw PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST tonight!!!

FINALLY!!!

I had to sacrifice some SecondLife time... But I think I can live with that, lol :)

It was cool... While we were waiting for the movie to start (or, rather, for the previews to start) we both played Bowling on our cell phones... Brian beat me by 10 points :(

Tisha text-messaged me a few days ago, saying she was seeing it for her second time, so I text-messaged her to let her know that Brian and I were finally about to see it!

She had said in a previous tm conversation that the cliff-hanger ending would make my head explode! So I had to text her again after the movie to confirm that it did! :)

Also, Brian suggested we stick around until after the credits, to see if they stuck a little something in there, like they had with the first one. PIRATES movies don't have credits at the start of the movie, so we waited quite some time to see the after-credits gag. But we weren't alone... Others stayed behind, too.

And there IS a quick scene after the credits, so if you ahven't seen the movie yet -- or you plan to see it again in the theaters -- DO wait. It's woth it, in my opinion ;)

REALLY COOL movie!!! It makes me umbearably impatient for the last movie, next yer, but that's cool :)

My baby had given me a couple of notes when she saw the movie: (1) feels a little long in places -- but doesn't "drag" at all, and (2) over-the-top special effects. I agree with both of those observations, qualifying the first by saying that though I was NEVER disinterested in the story, my butt did complain a couple of times about the theater seats, lol.

But Brian and I were talking about the flick all the way home, and THEN some :)

ALSO...

Mom saw SUPERMAN RETURNS!!! Which is funny enough in itself. She had NO desire to see it, but spent the weekend with a friend who wanted to see it, so they did.

The CRAZY part, though, is that she REALLY ENJOYED IT!!! She said it was the most realistic of the Superman movies! MY MOM SAID THAT! lol For some wierd, primitive, inexplicable reason, that just thrills me no end!

She also said that CARS is really funny... But I don't know when I'm gonna get to see that :( maybe not until dvd. This weekend CLERKS 2 opens, and I'd REALLY like to be there openeing weekend (to help a brutha make his bank) but I have NO IDEA how I might scrounge up the money :( Then August 6th SUPERMAN RETURNS opens in the Bob Bullock IMAX theater, and Brian and I HAVE TO see that as soon as possible... So I'm afraid CARS in a few spaces down on my List O' Must-Sees.

(I like me some spectacle... what can I say?)

So I Woke Up To A Text Message...

My phone sometimes beeps at me, and when I look to see what it wants it tells me I have a text message from my daughter!

So this morning I hit the Snooze button for about 45 minutes, unable to wake myself up.

Then my phone beeps at me, in that particular way.

It's Tisha, and she says "Hey guess what??"

What?

"Im seeing pirates two again... Have you seen it yet??"

Friggin' NO!!!

That's not what I replied, lol! I told her that Brian and I are hoping to see it soon, maybe Sunday. Finances are kinda tight at the moment (which works out well, I think... After we get the budget to make our first feature next year, we'll have a GREAT story of struggle just before our Big Break happened... It'll play great in interviews ;D ) but I figured out how to finesse the budget so that (a) we VAN see the movie THIS WEEK and (b) we can buy the PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE LEGENDS OF JACK SPARROW PS2 game!

In fact, I bought it yesterday morning on my way home from work!!! We own it!!! We've both played it!!!

:D

In addition to the first movie on dvd and the soundtrack, we now have the videogame to help us through this trying time of not having seen the sequel yet. we've got our Captain Jack fix ;)

Superintendent God-Botherer

For all of you who were wondering -- and I realize there are MANY -- my WuName is "Superintendent God-Botherer".

My friend here at work told me about this Wu Tang Clan name generator online.

So I had to look it up and see what my name is.

He had a cool one, but someone else who did their name the same time that he did his got the name "Big Gay Mule", which is GENIUS!!! So I had to see what my WuName would be.

I like it. I like the ring of it, but I also enjoy the esoteric connotations. I like the thought of being some tiny being that pesters the Almighty. And this tiny being either possesses some degree of authority/responsibility, or merely IMAGINES he does. In fact, I think it's funnier if the tiny being created the title "superintendent" for himself, but uses it as his excuse to pester God!

The Girls Won

Brian and I created a pirate a pirate group in SecondLife. I think I might have mentioned it. And my baby is one of the founding members.

And, all of us being pirate enthusiasts, we have all been talking about how cool PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MAN'S CHEST.

So then one day -- just out of the blue -- my baby tells me she's gonna see PIRATES before Brian and I do. I'm like "Why?" and she giggles and says "Just 'cause". (This woman COULD NOT be more adorable!!!)

So then the race was ON! Brian and I are looking around, trying to figure out how we can finesse what we laughingly call our budget, determined that the Boys would beat the Girls to the theater.

There were some close calls... I find out that she ALMOST went, but something got in the way. And I breath a secret sigh of relief... The Boys were still in the running!

But then the news came tongiht...

"Guess where I just got back from!"

Aaarrrrghhh! Scurvy women!

But that's okay, lol. I told Brian and his response was pretty much the same as mine: Really happy for her... But WE gotta see it soon too!

But HOW CUTE is that?!! I mean, how many grown up women do YOU know that would spark up some random, fun competition with you? And your brother?

And she digs pirates!

Addicted To Love...

Okay, this entry may seem pretentious or self-indeulgent or just plain rambling. If you start reading it and are repulsed, please feel free to skip this entry. It IS self-indulgent (it's a web log for heaven's sake), and -- being me -- will very likely be rambling. I wouldn't call it "pretentious" because I have no interest in impressing anyone with it.

So skip it if you like. Try back later and I may have SL pics or something ;D

But I spend a lot of my life observing and analyzing and trying to understand these peculiar things we call "Life" and "Reality" so that I can get the absolute MOST out of them! If I don't know how it works and what all it does, how am I gonna figure out how to use the bells and whistles? If I don't know the topography, how will I find the secret little hidden hot spots?

I didn't call this blog "The Wu Way" just because it sounds cool. The term is a Taoist term. According to Wikipedia.org, the word "wu" translates more or less to "not have" and the word "wei" translates more or less to "do, act, serve as" or "govern". So the concept is about knowing when to take action and when not to. Roughly. I interpret the concept as process of observation and patience, allowing the answers to come to you as your understanding allows, and taking action when an effective action presents itself.

Okay, that being said...

I'm at work, outside taking a smoke break, and I realized that I am addicted to love.

You guessed that much from the title, right?

But what the hell am I even saying? What kind of sense does THAT make? "Addicted to love"? WTF?!!

Okay, I know from experience that I have an addictive personality. You can tell from this blog that (1) I'm addicted to writing -- to expressing my thoughts through language -- and (2) I'm addicted to SecondLife. (I'm sure you can spot some other addictions if you read a few entries, but these are just a couple of really obvious ones.)

Off the top of my head I can also tell you that I'm also addicted to cigarrettes, alcohol (mainly beer) and coffee. And the nature of these addictions are what some would call "self medication". I use these things I'm addicted to to achieve a specific effect.

Whenever I'm in Creative Mode, or partaking of stimulating conversation, or just have a lot of ideas bouncing around in my head I enjoy smoking. For some reason nicotine seems to provide an immediate calming effect when I'm in any sort of excited state -- either positive or negative. It seems to provide some sort of balance that I lack otherwise.

Not recommending smoking or rationalizing it, just telling you what effect I look for when I smoke.

It seems to "take the edge off" any extremely intense emotion I might suddenly experience. That's a weak explanation, but the best I can come up with at this hour.

Alcohol also seems to take the edge off. But in a bigger way. It's a sedative (made from sugars, so you often feel a rush of energy while drinking it) and it seems to shut down large sections of conscious thought. I'm a really happy cat by nature, so a cold one (or 5) seem to simply shut down all the noise that might make me tense and allow me to focus on thoughts and emotions that make me feel joyful.

Once more, this IS NOT an endorsement of alcohol. Just an amateur analysis of the effect I go for when I drink.

By contrast, caffeine has the oposite effect: If I'd like an energy boost, or if I feel my concentration waning I'll get myself a hit (or 5) of black coffee and I feel like I'm back on top of things.

Now, our bodies can soothe us or boost us on it's own. We don't NEED drugs to calm us down or pick us up. But in order for our body to do those things we have to train it. And I don't know about you, but I'm mostly too lazy to teach my 35-year-old bod new tricks. I discovered in my mid-20s the effects of coffee, cigarrettes and beer, and I've just gotten used to turning to these things when I desire certain effects.

I've allowed myself to become addicted to these things.

So...

Love...

How am I addicted to love? (Besides in the cheesy Robert-Palmer-song way?)

Well...

Since we were able to understand language, we've been hearing all kinds of things about love. It's what princesses desire most from princes, it's what grownup men want from grownup women... There are an aweful lot of songs about them, song that start making emotional sense to us when we reach our teens. Romeo and Juliet killed themselves for lack of it. Many romantic heroes almost died to attain it, or to protect it. People desperately search for it, fight over it, fight about it, fight for it.

But what the hell IS it?

Never mind, lol. That's a whole other entry... book... SERIES of books!

I'll cut to what it is I get from love. And this is kind of new to me, as I've never really been "clinical" in my observations of my feelings when I was in a relationship. I always just leaped, face-first, into the deep end (or... what I HOPED was the deep end).

I get a number of things from a romantic relationship including a sense of deep and profound connection, a sense of unconditional acceptance for who I am, a sense of being sexually attractive and desirable, someone to share very personal experiences with, a sex partner, someone with whom I can be all mushy and romantic.

That's a rough list, but I think it hits most of the highlights.

Okay, now for the last 9 years I've had to either get all the above listed stuff from other sources or I had to, in most cases, provide them for myself. Or do without.

And over all, it's been a deeply enriching and gratifying and even empowering 9 years!!! I discovered that I already possess most of what I want out of a relationship within myself (If I nurture it and remove some psychological crap that was only getting in the way, anyway)! And most of the rest of it I possess in my platonic relationship!

First and foremost, I discovered that if I provide a sense of unconditional acceptance for who I am for myself, it really doesn't matter who else accepts me. Once I got rid of guilt about who I HAVE BEEN and was able to appreciate the decent job I was now doing with my life now, other people's insults seemed to lose their power over me, my self-esteem or my self-image.

(Consider yourself lucky... I just wrote 5 paragraphs about HOW I became able to accept myself unconditionally, flaws and all, but then I realized just how amazingly off-topic I was straying and deleted them. You just BARELY missed THAT bullet, buddy!)

Next, when I got good with myself I suddenly lost interest in fair-weather friends. I discovered that there were plenty of people in my life that GENIUNELY care about me, and whom I genuinely care about. Where before the number of people I could call "friend" used to be important, now I discovered that QUALITY was much more gratifying than quantity.

And they provided me with sense of deep and profound connection AND someone to share very personal experiences with. I mean, no... Day-tripping to El Salado isn't the same as spedning the weekend there in a bed-and-breakfast with your girlfriend! But... It's still a quality experience, something that can pop up in stories at parties for the rest of your life!

Now, I still lacked someone with whom I can be all mushy and romantic. I have female best friends that sort of partially fulfill that need... And really, if that's all that you've got, that's NOT BAD!!!

A sex partner... That one hurts. And that one's kind of impossible to replace. Particularly in my situation, because the reason I stopped dating is that I agreed with myself not to merely settle. If I dated someone just so I could get sex, that would have been settling. (Unless we had an up-front agreement and she was only with me for the same reason... But that only happens in movies, I think.) Also, paying for sex is out of the question because... Well, I don't make enough ;P

But other than the romantic thing and the sex partner thing, the one that I ABSOLUTELY was not able to provide for myself in ANY way/shape/form/fashion is a sense of being sexually attractive and desirable. I can think good and possitive things about myself all day long, 24/7, and I STILL can't provide that one. Moreover, my female friends who TRY to provide that for me can't come close either (despite what I tell them when they say "No, you ARE sexy! Really!"). (If I really were, then why didn't THEY want to do me? Seriosuly, you can fake an orgasm but you just can't fake that one.)

Getting back to the original point: Over 9 years I have learned to provide most of what I required for an emotionally and psychologically enriched life. I didn't have romantic love, but I have learned to provide for myself.

And then I met my SL gf...

And I realized that I had become an ADDICT!!!

Now, that might sound romantic, but hear me out: I had learned to provide myself with emotional gratification... And then, after I came to trust that this person would take care of me emotionally -- gratify me emotionally, make me feel all valid and accepted and appreciated and worthwhile -- I STOPPED DOING IT FOR MYSELF!!!

We started having little problems... And I have only recently realized that I AM THE REASON for the problems! She's like emotional Crack for me. I started RELYING on her to make me feel great. (This is a little understandable because she was able to make me feel MUCH better about myself than I have been able to in 9 years of exploration and evolution... But still...) Like she got me to this emotional high I haven't felt... Ever... And then when I felt the abscence of that emotional high I would go back to my dealer for another hit.

And if she COULDN'T provide that hit for me at the moment I asked for it... All of a sudden SHE's the Bad Guy!!!

I'm exaggerating, of course, to make the point but...

...I hope I'm exaggerating...

...yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm exaggerating. At least, I KNOW she would tell you I'm exaggerating. (But she's a reall sweety that way!) But the point is that I believe I actually became ADDICTED to love -- or, more specifically, to the bennifits I receive from the person with whom I share what feels like love.

See, in 9 years alone, one tends to really examine relationships and ask a lot of tough questions like "Where did this particular relationship go wrong?" and "Did I play some part in the downfall of that relationship?" Questions you simply don't feel the need to ask if you're in a relationship that's working out.

And the fact is that I have observed a tendency in myself to get "lazy" in relationships.

And I'm certain I'm not the only one.

During this soul-searching period, I also got to hear about how my friends' relationships were going. Some friends were in several relationships during the last 9 years.

And you know what I heard a lot of? From the guys "We just don't have sex any more" and from the girls "He's just not romantic anymore."

Oddly enough, if the guys were romanic again they could have had sex, and if the girls were still interested in sex the guys would have felt more romantic.

A whimsical and over-simplified way to say that both parties had kind of gotten lazy... But really, both parties had become ADDICTED to what the other was now providing.

See, the human body is naturally self-balance, until something is introduced that regularly provides a specific effect. A non-smoker has hormones and chemicals and stuff that balance hi/her moods, and that a smoker doesn't have... Because the smoker is regularly introducing a chemical that does that work for the body. The human body is pretty darned efficient, so it's not gonna waste resources producing chemicals to do a job that is already being done.

Likewise, I think the human psyche is -- more or less -- a self-balancing system as well. And from my recent experience I can look back at past relationships, as well as the relationships of many others, and see that we provide for ourselves what we need to be as emotionally healthy and happy as we need to be... Until someone comes along a begins to provide it FOR US on a regular basis!

Then we, like, forget that we once were SOLEY responsible for our validation and happiness! We treat ownership of our own happiness like it was a bag of rabid tree weasles! We carry it for ourselves as long as we have to, but THE MOMENT someone says "Would you like a hand with that?" we toss it to them and say "Glad I don't have to deal with THAT anymore!"

And the person we burden with our rabid tree weasles is the ONE person who we cherrish and adore THE MOST!

What's THAT about?

I say "we" but I'm sure that some reading this are actually in a mature relationship. So I'm really just talking about myself here. ("We" just takes the burden off me a bit. SEE? Now I'm trying to saddle YOU with my tree weasles! How sick am I?!!)

But here's the thing: Ownership of my own happiness isn't a burden. I've been custodian of it for 9 years now, and I've had a really groovy time! What drove me into a life of abstainence is the fact that I WANTED my tree weasles back! My last long-term relationship didn't allow me to be a version of me that I had fun being.

See, one of the main sources of self-fulfillment I have had (and lacked in my last long-term relationship) is the ability to pursue my 14- (and counting) year mission to live the lifestyle I want, to write and make movies and GET PAID to write and make movies! The reason I don't have the money to date is that I remain at a job that doesn't pay much because it allows me the time and mental/emotional energy I need to write and make films on the side. And the reason I don't have a social life is because when I'm not at work (or in SL... yesIknowshutup) I'm writing or making films.

So why would I give away my tree weasles? Those little critters have been great buddies for me on my lonely sojourns. They're half of all that I want out of life!

Why don't I, instead, continue to be the keeper of my own happiness, and simply appreciate the extra set of hands that sometimes helps me carry the bag?

This all makes sense, right? I mean, I've stumbled onto some profound sliver of the Human Contition, right? Or are these the punch-drunk ramblings of a dude getting used to an overnight shift after 3 or 5 years of merely quasi-vampiric hours?

Blah.

Okay, I should go to bed now.

Give your rabid tree weasles a kiss on the snout from me ;P

Brian Is A Writer!!!

Okay, the movie that Brian and Tommy and I are (hopefully) going to make within the next year? Both Brian and I have screenplays that we're developing concurrently. The one that gets finished first is the one we submit to get the deal made.

Anyway, the last few days he's really been getting somewhere with his idea! It's so inspiring to see!!! He's even writing the first handful of pages for it, really getting into his world and his characters!

I haven't had time to read his pages yet, but he can't help but talk about all the stuff that's going on in his head, and it's really, REALLY cool to hear what's up there! I mean, I've just spewed on him before about whatever story I'm working on -- for years now -- and it's SO FRIGGIN' COOL to have him do the same with me!!!

He knows characters by name, he know details about them and the world they occupy that only a writer (and eventually a director) can know...

And last night (for me, which means it was actually this morning for Brian and the rest of the world) we had this GREAT conversation about the society of this planet, their spiritual and political perspective of our planet, that probably will be a couple of quick lines of dialogue in the finished screenplay!

That's the kind of attention to detail that only professional screenwriters pay!!! And Brian is SO THERE!!!

Sorry... Had to take a moment to beam about my li'l bro :D

More soon...

Back at Work

First day back, and first day on my new schedule.

My last day of freedom was groovy! Brian and I didn't have money to buy fireworks for the 4th this year, but that's okay... Our appartment complex is surrounded buy folks who have, apparently, PLENTY of money for fireworks. So we hung out on our porch and watched all the pretty explosions!

It was cool, too, because rain swept in while I was asleep and it made the sky all pretty and golden! The fireworks started as the sun was setting, so between God's lightshow and the man-made one we had some front-row seats to some SERIOUS PRETTY!!!

My computer died, though!!!

The one in my room. It was freezing up when it wasn't being used for some time, but then it started freezing up every 20 minutes or so, then it couldn't reboot without freezing up!!!

For the past 2 (3 now) days Brian has been valiantly trying to bring it back to live... But it doesn't look promising :(

I still have the one in the dining area and Brian's... But I really LIKED having the Net in my bedroom!

Blah.

Anyway, I guess I should stop pouting and turn my attention back to work.

Or...

I could pout some more and THEN turn my attention back to work...

Nah, I guess I'll go ahead and get back to work, and skip the pouting. I don't pout as sexy as some people I know...

Anyway... PEACE!

Summer Vacation: Day 8

Okay, now if you look at the date, I'm actually writing/posting this on Sunday. But I'm writing ABOUT yesterday... 'cause by the time I had experienced yesterday, I was too tired to blog about it.

My Saturday started off with a text message from Kelly on my phone! It read "Superman is awesome!" Than means the HE GOT TO SEE SUPERMAN RETURNS!!!

Brian and I have been all geeked-out about SUPERMAN RETURNS for a few months now. (Kinda since we saw X3, actually. X3 was GREAT with the action but didn't pack nearly the emotional punch of the first 2. We figured SUPERMAN RETURNS would... And we were right.)

But I was surprised to get a call from Kelly one night after work to find out that he's all geeked-out about SUPERMAN RETURNS too!!!

We had a long and enthusiastic conversation about the Superman character and what was so great about the first 2 movies and what we had heard/read/seen about the new movie.

So when Brian & I went to see SUPERMAN RETURNS the night before it officially opened, I had to text Kel's phone and tell him what we were doing :) He texted back that he wished he was with us.

And so when my phone beeped at me yesterday and I read Kelly's text, I was ecstatic!!! I KNEW how bad he wanted to se it, and it's hard for him to see big, blockbuster typ movies in L. A. because they're not as much fun by yourself, or with a bunch of other people in the filmmaking biz. (He only just recently saw REVENGE OF THE SITH because he knew it wouldn't be as much fun without us! Poor dude!!! He finally had to buy the dvd and watch it at home. He still hasn't seen the last , MATRIX movie.)

Anyway, I texted Kel back asking if he could call me, and he did and we had a long, very cool conversation about why SUPERMAN RETURNS and Bryan Singer rule!!! (He went with some L. A. friends, but they were watching a different movie. Kelly and Brian and I are able to watch these types of flicks with the eyes of our Inner Child, so to speak. It sounds like his L. A. buddies can only watch flicks with the eyes of Entertainment Industry professionals. At least, that's the impression I got.)

I had just logged into SL when Kelly called, and by the time our conversation was over my SL sweety had come and then left to meet up with some of her friends. So after the call I was pretty bored.

After an hour or 2 of wandering aimlessly around SL, I asked Brian if he wanted to finish up our Grand Trek 1 -- the sailing venture inspired by the trek I described about a week ago. ("Day 5"... Although it took place on "Day 2".).

Thursday we were both online with not much to do, so we looked at the SL map and discovered that 2 of its main "continents" (for lack of a better description) that appear not to be connected actually ARE connected by a single, slim waterway. I had already sailed from my home, with no real destination in mind. When we discovered a path that excited us, he joined in on the voyage and it became a cool family adventure, if you will.

We didn't even make it halfway to our destination on the first leg of our voyage. We came to a stopping point because Brian needed to eat, and then my baby became available to sail with us, so I talked her through out to load her Host Watch and then how to rez vehicles out of it while we waited for Brian to dine. But then this club that she works at announced a Medievil/Fantasy-themed dance event, and my baby LOVES her some Fantasy/Medievil, so we got fdressed up for the event and went dancing. All involved agreed to pick up the second leg of what I had already begun calling The Grand Trek at a later date.

However, my baby was with her friends still and when I asked, Brian was busy doing some research on the Net.

So I pestered my baby in IMs until she felt bad, then realized what a friggin' brat I was being and tried to make her not feel bad. (I'm a real mature sort, aren't I?)

But then a couple hours later, Brian was done with his research and told me he was ready for some sailing!!!

Oh, and while on the first leg of the trek I created a Group in SL called the Mangy Raiders! It's a pirate group. Brian created a flag for us and everything!!! I created it just for such sailing excursions as the one we were about to finish up! See, Brian made these GREAT black sailboats with pirate-flag sails! They sail spectacularly!

Also, Brian loves to utilize the physics of SL to their fullest, so he also created a FLYING pirate ship! That's what he was sailing in. Run out of water? NOT A PROBLEM for Brian's Flying Pirate Ship!

Turns out this feature would be INVALUABLE on this second leg of our trip!

Okay, to give you some sense of scale, here's a pic of me at home.

My home is a treehouse that my SL baby and I share. To further enhance your sense of scale, I'm standing on the deck in this pic and you can see the whole treehouse.


See me there, against the trunk on the deck on the bottom level of the treehouse?

Okay, so here's one more pic of the treehouse...

The blue dot is the treehouse. I don't know if you can see in on such a low resolution of a pic, but it's actually shaped like a little house. So the blue dot denotes where the Grand Trek 1 began on Thursday. And the pink-ish/purpe-lish line tracks the first leg of the voyage.

Some more scale for you. Behind me is the castle that marks our First Leg Endpoint/Second Leg Beginning point.

And the reason I look like Captain Jack Sparrow is because after I created the Mangy Raiders group, if felt only right that we should sail wearing pirate avatars. Brian has a few (including Jack Sparrow) but Captain Jack is the only pirate avatar I possess.

No look back at the map above...

The yellow dot NW of the treehouse is where we were headed. You can see that this is a decent little trek we were embarked upon. Most of it was navigating tight little waterways. And Brian was on the slower computer, so evn though he possessed a flying ship, it was still tricky for him to follow my lead.

For the first leg of the trek Brian was wearing a Long John Silver avatar. But yesterday he was wearing the above pictured guy.

Surly-lookin' fella, huh?

And me...

I just slapped on a Jolly Rogers T-shirt and some blue cammos. Oh, and some Morpheus style shades that I had bought from Brian. (He, of course, offered to just give me a pair, but he was selling them for so cheap I didn't see the necessity.)

There was one point in our journey where the waterways simply didn't connect. In order to get where we wanted to go, we would have to cross land :(

That's where Brian's flying pirate ship came in handy!!!

I simply boarded his vessle, snatched up my own and away we went!

That's me sitting attop his mast. Not the most comfortable location, as his boat is to small to have an actual crow's nest. But hey, it got me across the land without having to resort to car or foot or flying (all of which would have violated the spirit of this trek.)

When we got to the next waterway, I rezed out my boat again and we continued out journey!

These are the other pics I took. Pretty, no?

It was a cool little adventure!!! Sailing in SL is a very Zen-like experience! (Probably like sailing in RL, only I've never had the oportunity to do it.) It gets you out of yourself and gives you something relaxing to keep the "worry" part of your mind busy, but it's not so hectic as to keep you from thoroughly enjoying your surroundings!

And speaking of SURROUNDINGS!!!

This little trek took us through a huge swath of SL!!! We got to see places we'd been before (via teleport) and places we didn't know existed!!!

On the narrow straightaway connecting the 2 continents, there's AN OIL RIG!!! And I didn't explore it, but judging by the minimap I was navigating with, it looks like there is even meters and meters of pipline beneath the water!!! (What they're pumping through a virtual pipeline, I have NO CULE!)

The below map roughly shows the complete trek.

After this journey, I can't imagine what's next for the Mangy Raiders. My baby is a Mangy Raider, and she hasn't gotten to sail with us yet :( So that'll certainly be part of our next outting! (Escpecially since getting her and Brian in the same place at the same time always seems to result in HILARIOUS conversation!!!)

But do we repeat that trek? Is there more water that can be sailed? I'll have to look into it.

In the meantime... It's probably about time I got on with Day 9 of my Summer Vacation!!! ;)