Some Random Philosophizing...

This is just me thinking aloud... So please feel free to skip this entry. It's a lot of my very peculiar beliefs, but I need to organize them so I'm jotting them down here.

I sometimes get frustrated that my life doesn't seem to be moving more quickly.

I fear that I'm not writing enough, or not writing fast enough. But we can only create as quickly as we can create, and my Taoist/Buddhaist nature assures me that I am where I am meant to be when I am meant to be here.

And yet, life would be a great deal more convenient if, say, I had more money -- just for a start.

There's a great line in this week's episode of STUDIO 60 ON THE SUNSET STRIP in which Matthew Perry's character (the head writer for a Saturday-Night-Live-like weekly, live sketch comedy show) says "I hate L. A. as much as anyone else, but I live here because in any other state in the country I'm unemployable."

I feel like that. I know I have talent and skill and knowlege that could be earning me a paycheck large enough to pay me more than simply what it costs to survive from month-to-month, and yet because no employer (who is seeking to hire someone with my abilities) is aware of what I can do, I spend my entire check paying bills and have nothing left over to put into a savings account or buy my baby a plane ticket to come visit me.

That's really my main frustration... I mean, yeah, I want to own more toys and dvd box sets, but there's a certain fun charm in having ALMOST everything you want and having a finite selection of entertainment to choose from. You know? If I had the dvd or videogame library I want to have I don't think I'd be able to make a decision based on the sheer VOLUME of options. Plus, it's kind of cool picking and choosing which movies you want to own and which you're content to simply rent whenever you're in the mood.

Blah.

Anyway, at this point in my life, my main frustration reall only comes from the fact that I want to own a house large enoguh for Brian and Wendy and me to live in comfortably, and I want my pay-the-bills job to be doing the things that I love to do. I don't want Wendy to ever HAVE TO work again in her life, and I want to be financially able to support a family.

Plus, it would be SO COOL to be able to send Mom a ridiculously large check every month as a Thank You for taking care of me all these years.

And yet...

Things only come as quickly as they come.

When I rush through a screenplay, it comes out crap. Something that I don't want to have my name associated with. And when I get an idea that I know is commercially viable, the story only comes a quickly as it comes.

:(

My Inner Guru tells me that not everything is in place yet, and that if I keep vigilant and continue to work and try, I will be ready when everything is in place.

(Yes, my Inner Guru is fond of fortune cookies. What do you expect after being raised on a rich diet of Zen Koans and Stephen Mitchell's translation of Lao-tzu? My Inner Guru, that is, not me... I didn't discover Eastern Philosphy until I was in my mid-20s.)

And come on... Here on the Western Hemesphere we are programmed to believe that if you want something you DO something to get it, and that patience is a loser's strategy and all that. And after striving for a specific career for 14 years and still being apparently not one step closer to attaining it, I tend to see Western Civilization's point.

But then I look at the citizens of Western Civilization, and I see A LOT of unhappiness -- people who possess their dream jobs and/or dream spouces, or live in their dream homes or drive their dream cars -- and yet they really aren't dancing in the streets and kissing their neighbors.... or even being nice to their neighbors, for that matter. Or themselves!

Now, granted, I don't know anyone who lives on the Eastern Hemisphere personally, so maybe they're just as screwed-up as we are. I don't honestly know.

But here's something...

I went a decade -- 10 YEARS -- without sex or a girlfriend because Eastern Philosophy suggests that it's better to be happy by myself than to be unhappy and be getting sex on a quasi-regular basis. Through in a little good old-fashioned Spiritualism (we live in a universe/multiverse that is essentially possitive and the negative aspects are meant to build us up and make us spiritually stronger, and God -- whomever/whatever He/She is -- loves us unconditionally and wants to see us happy) and I'm thinking that not only can I be happy by myself for as long as I'm asked to be alone, but that there IS SOMEONE out there meant for me, and in time we will be brought together.

Now, a 10-year "dry spell" had me doubting that there really was someone out there meant for me, but I was happy to have discovered that I actually CAN be happy by myself. I knew a couple of women who possessed several of the personality traits I was looking for, but there were always the deal-breaker qualities that made it VERY CLEAR that we weren't meant to be a couple. I seriously doubted that a ingle woman could possess all the qualities I insisted upon having in a mate.

Then I met Gnomey!!!

You really CAN'T understand how inhumanly perfect for me this woman is! You can't! SHE can't understand it! I am the only one who will ever fully recognize how amazingly perfect and wonderful she is, because I'm the only one who has experienced the joys and heartbreaks that I have. I'm the only one who is me.

But that's not even it... She not only meets, but EXCEEDS my seemingly impossible demands for a girlfriend. And not because I've given her a handbook of what makes me feel all mushy inside and she dutifully obeys it. (Dutifully obeying ANYONE wouldn't be in my handbook, anyway! hee-hee) She just IS everything I hoped a girlfriend would be! Just by being her! (Which is, ironically, one of my criterea for Mrs. Right... That she not have to change who she is for us to fit. That's one of the deal-breakers, hee-hee.) AND THEN SOME! She possesses personality strenghts and quirks that make me giggle in a way I could never have imagined!!! She is, in short, everything I ever wanted in someone to share my life with AND MUCH, MUCH MORE!!!

But THAT's not even it!

Here's the thing. The reason I get so confused about following my instincts (and thereby the Eastern Philosophy) and my Western Philospohy upbringing, which yells at me that I'm worhtless and lazy and if I haven't ammounted to anything yet I never will...

The existence of a Gnomey Munts Munts and the fact that she could actually be into me too (!!!) proves that the Universe/Multiverse is indeed a kind and loving place, and patience actually WILL pay off in the end. (I did nothing to deserve or earn my relationship with her -- I didn't even seek it out -- and then she appeared... Apparently at the time in her life in which she was ready to meet a Ray Jay.)

AND... On both her side and my side, our meeting each other seems to have been an intricate web of incidents and events that shaped us into who we are, shapped our preferences into what they are, and then guided us to do the things we were doing so that we would eventually meet. We each have at least one "You know, if I had/hadn't ____ we would never have met!"

So to me, Wendy -- everything about her, and about us -- is a loud and CLEAR confirmation that following my instincts and vibes IS THE way to proceed through life.

And yet...

Why does stuff taks SO LONG to happen? :(

Blah.

I'm gonna go have a smoke and decide whether or not to even post this entry. Back in five...

...

Okay, I'm back.

My Guides (that's what I call the quiet voices that give me suggestions and nudges about what to do when I'm uncertain) suggest that someone, somewhere, sometime will read this and it will make speak to them, and that some others will get a little gigle from my way of looking at stuff.

So I'm publishing the entry.

...

P.S. Apropos of nothing: Don't ya LOVE those dreams that make you actually, physically laugh out loud, waking you up a little?!! I had one night-before-last. I don't remember what happened, I just remember waking myself up for half a second laughing. (And you're always laughing really loudly in the dream, and then when you slip into consciousness the laugh is just a quiet little chuckle.) And then last night I passed by Brian while he was asleep and heard him do the same thing.

There is simply NO better way to wake up than laughing!

(Well... You know... ;P )