HAPPY EARTH DAY!!!

:D

Presumably as a celebration of Earth Day, a certain Texas grocery store chain is forcibly giving away GTC Compact Fluorescent Bulbs.

Forcibly. I kid you not.

This is my last day off, and tomorrow is Brian's only day off this week, so I decide to splurge and grab some beer. I go to my favorite near-by grocery store (had I know it's Earth day I might have walked instead of driven the block-and-a-half to the store, so my bad there).

I grab the beer, head toward the 10 Items Or Less lane, and there's this store employee standing by the opening to the isle, sort of eying me. I mean, I'm a little scuzzed-out -- as I'm wont to be when I'm lazing around the apartment with no commitments -- but I don't look suspicious! And anyway, this guy isn't really looking at me suspiciously... But he is eying me, for sure.

I get to the front of the isle, smile at the store employee who has been visually tracking me, then just before I can enter the isle he snatches up a small, light-green box and places it in my hand. He didn't proffer it to me, he didn't have me take it, he placed it right in my hand. "This is free, just ask the cashier for the coupon."

If this happened to you at an airport you'd be yelling for the nearest undercover Homeland Security agent.

In fact, this probably couldn't happen at an airport.

The moment I'm in the isle, the cashier is greeting me with a loud, friendly "hi". I set the beer on the counter and hold up the small green box, telling her I'm supposed to ask her for a coupon. She energetically responds that she knows exactly what I'm talking about and she's in motion, scanning my beer, swiping a coupon, and advising me that "people" need to be sure to read the box because the light bulb contains mercury and can't simply be thrown away in the garbage when it's done. (She didn't say that I need to read the box, she said that "people" need to read the box.)

I jokingly (perhaps wryly; I've been told that I can be wry) asked if that's why they were giving the bulbs away: to get rid of them.

But the cashier lady earnestly and energetically told me that these are good for the environment... Unless they're not properly disposed of, of course. but then she quickly adds that "people" simply have to be responsible.

I am, naturally, thinking 2 things: I did not actively choose to purchase this bulb, it was forced into my hand and I am not being charged for it; and wouldn't the more "responsible" course of action be to not put an ecologically hazardous material in a light bulb? I mean, we don't use plutonium in disposable lighters, right?

Now, if I really wanted to be personally responsible, I wouldn't have accepted the bulb -- free or not. But this experience is simply too surreal for me to let it end there... I want to read the box now! :D

So I get home and relate the story to Brian (who is still waking up, poor guy, and getting into his Going To Work head space) and make a few of my jokes, then I sit down and read the box.

The front of the box proclaims that this bulb "Lasts 9 Years*" and I, apparently, will "Save $47 in energy costs **".

Now, if you've read enough advertising, you know that "*" and especially "**" are never good things! These are the marks that are supposed to lead you to search the bottom of the box for the really, really tiny print. And more often than not, the tiny print effectively reverses the miracle claim that preceded it.

An example:

THIS CHOCOLATE CUPCAKE HAS NO CALORIES*



*Unless consumed.


So, you quickly learn to distrust any statement followed by an asterisk.

In order for the bulb to last 9 years, you have to use it only 3 hours a day, residential use.

Okay, so I'm not a scientist, but if I used a regular, non-toxic bulb in my home 3 hours a day, wouldn't that extend the bulb's life? Like, significantly? I mean, don't regular bulbs used in residences usually go out (after several years, in my experience) simply because they remain on for so long? I'd like to see the results of a study that compares exactly how much more efficient these new toxi-bulbs are compared to the old-school, tried-and-true bulbs.

The double-asterisk qualification (the one about saving $47) is "Savings based on 10 cents per kilowatt hour compared to a 60-Watt GTC™ incandescent bulb."

So how do I know that GTC™ is an efficient bulb to begin with? There is no information provided as to how GTC™ bulbs compare to, say General Electric bulbs? If GTC™ is an energy-whore, then you might actually save money with an old-school non-Earth-killing bulb of another brand!

In fact, Google "GTC lamp" right now. When I did it, I found a lot of links about expensive cars. Not one link to a lighting company! (Not even a link to a news story about how GTC™ is saving the planet by giving away their bulbs on Earth Day.) Same with "GTC bulb", except for some company based in Poland, apparently. (Maybe it's because I didn't put the "™" in there.)

So why is this company giving its product away? Is it because they're trying to create brand recognition for a brand no one has ever heard of, maybe?

Anyway, back to the box...

Okay, so the back of the box lists:

GREEN REASONS
to Use Compact Fluorescent Lights (CFLs)

• Energy Efficient
• Cost Effective
• Versatile

Well, there's THREE great reasons, right there, right? No reason not to use this product!

Except...

The bulb is cost effective because it's energy efficient, right? I mean, you save that AMAZING $47 because it lasts 9 years (if you only use it 3 hours a day). So those 2 claims are really only a single claim. (And I would seriously like to see, for myself, the data that proves exactly how efficient this bulb really is.)

And as for the supposed versatility of the product...

The side of the box starts off with:

"CAUTION: DO NOT USE WITH DIMMER. FOR USE ONLY IN 120V/60HZ CIRCUITS. DO NOT EXPOSE TO MOISTURE OR WATER. DO NOT OPEN. NO USER-SERVICEABLE PARTS INSIDE. TO INSTALL, HANDLE BULB BY GRASPING BASE, DO NOT GRASP GLASS PORTION. THIS DEVICE IS NOT INTENDED FOR USE WITH EMERGENCY EXIT FIXTURES OR EMERGENCY EXIT LIGHTS, PHOTOCELLS AND ELECTRONIC TIMERS. AN ENCLOSED FIXTURE IS REQUIRED FOR OUTDOOR USE. MINIMUM OPERATING TEMPERATURE IS -15°C (5°F)."

That seems like a lot of "Don't"s for a supposedly "versatile" bulb.

I mean, I may very well be naive here, but we can't use the bulb with a dimmer? We can't use it with a timer -- as in, I have a nice home, I'm going away for a week, and I want a timer to trick potential burglars into thinking I'm still at home? And haven't I seen old-fashioned non-groundwater-poisoning light bulbs in outdoor sockets without an enclosed fixture? (I mean, to be fair, I'm sure it's not recommended. But they got the job done. And if they broke, you simply swept up the mess; you didn't have to call Hazmat and have your front porch quarantined.)

But that's not even what grabbed my attention!

"THIS DEVICE COMPLIES WITH PART 18 OF FCC RULES, BUT MAY CAUSE INTERFERENCE TO RADIOS, TVS, WIRELESS PHONES AND REMOTE CONTROL. IF INTERFERENCE OCCURS, MOVE BULB AWAY FROM AFFECTED DEVICE, OR PLUG DEVICE INTO ANOTHER OUTLET."

WTF?!!

Are you kidding me?!!

I don't know about where you live, but my apartment has dedicated sockets for bulbs. They're in the ceiling, and if you want light you plug the bulb in there. AND... There aren't many of them! It's not like electrical plugs in the wall, where they're just about everywhere and you just track down the one you want to plug into. There are 4 light sockets in this little pad, and if I want illumination I'm plugging into one of them. I can't move the bulb, and I don't have many options about where to move the bulb to.

So... um... "versatile"? I'm ignoring, here, that for my 38 years of life light bulbs haven't interfered with radio transmission, I'm just focusing on the claim of versatility.

Did you ever see that joke commercial for Happy Fun Ball on an episode of Saturday Night Live in the '80s? "Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space." "Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball."

But wait... What about the methods of disposal for this aberration against God and man? Didn't the frenetically helpful cashier warn me that "people" must be "responsible" when disposing of this product?

It took me a while, but I finally stumbled onto a teeny-tiny box with really, really small print that says the following:

"These bulbs contain mercury. Manage in accordance with disposal laws. See www.lamprecycle.org for more information."

Please feel free to follow the hyperlink, and you tell me how to dispose of this damned thing, lol! ;P (The hyperlink is a courtesy... At first I accidentally typed in www.lamprecycle.com and it led me to many, many pages of site where I was invited to either buy a subscription to some sort of recycling service, purchase a recycling device, or start my own recycling program! For a fee...)

Bottom Line: I am frightened of this GTC™ Compact Fluorescent Bulb, and I will be putting it in the farthest corner of the highest shelf of the most remote closet in this apartment that I can find, where it will sit until well after Brian & I move out of this place!

I just hope the next owners of this apartment have greater mental and spiritual strength and courage than I do. When confronted with the foe known as GTC™ Compact Fluorescent Bulb, I heed the sage advice of King Arthur (as played by Graham Chapman in Monty Python and the Holy Grail):

"Run away! Run away!"

That bitch isn't coming out of its box! Not while I own it!