5 Days Till Christmas

I AM WRITING THIS ENTRY ON MY VERY FIRST LAPTOP!!! :D (Santa came early to the Edwards house.)

I now have a laptop! I can now live out my fantasy of sitting in a coffee shop or in a park or on the porch and writing!!! :D

How frickin' cool is THAT?!! :D

Does this mean I'll actually get more fiction writing done in 2010?

We'll see.

The truth is that I could have already been writing longhand in coffee shops or on the porch. But I haven't been.

Still, 2 things are true:

1. I seem to be open to more and better ideas when I'm outdoors.
2. Writing is sexier when it's being done one a laptop!

It feels cooler, more sophisticated to be writing on a laptop, lol.

I know, I'm a dork.

And probably old-fashioned, too. I'm guessing that teens and college students don't fantasize about writing on a laptop. That's passe by now. I'm guessing writing on a NetBook or and iPod Touch is probably more chic.

But what can I say? I'm old.

And not rich.

So writing on my very own laptop is the fulfillment of a 15-or-so-year old dream of mine.

So...

Five days till Christmas! Is everyone excited?!

As I've mentioned, I'm working through Christmas Eve and Christmas (and New Years Eve) but I plan to see SHERLOCK HOLMES before I go in to work Christmas Day! How long has it been since we've had a Sherlock Holmes flick in the cinemas? Was it YOUNG SHERLOCK HOLMES? Maybe WITHOUT A CLUE?

Although, in my heart of hearts, those two aren't really for-reals Holmes flicks. I mean, they're both absolutely great and fun, but, you know... They're sort of alternate-reality Holmes films. You know? Like, SMALLVILLE is to the Superman mythos -- It's Clark Kent and Metropolis and everything... but it's not really SUPERMAN Superman.

In fact, this will be my first time EVER to see a Holmes flick in the theaters!

I watched the Basil Rathbone/Nigel Bruce flicks on VHS first, then DVD. I've watched ALL Holmes films on home video. (Naturally.) It's gonna be SO COOL to watch a Sherlock Holmes film in a movie theater!!!

What else is going on in my life at the mo...?

My Gnomey's a SWEETHEART!!!

That's nothing new, but she never loses her effect on me, lol.

I've watched the first 2 episodes of the new V series! That's going well. I'm not emotionally invested in it like LOST or CASTLE or DOLLHOUSE, but there's absolutely nothing negative I can say about it. I love their angle of Hope as a weapon, and the stories are tight, and the actors are SO COMPELLING to watch! The visual effects are good. There's no bad there. I suspect that in a few more episodes, the writers will have figured out how to own me. In fact, I still have 2 more eps to watch on Hulu... maybe they already have.

Brian is the greatest brother/roommate/friend a dude could ask for! My portable DVD player went out some time ago (the one I used to use to fall asleep to DVDs in my room), so my li'l bro bought me a DVD player for my room! I already had this little TV in there -- in HERE, actually; I'm writing this in my room! I haven't had a (working) PC in my room in SO LONG! I haven't had MY OWN COMPUTER in YEARS! I met my Gnomey Goddess on one of my brother's computers, lol! -- so I come home from work one morning to find UP playing in my room!!!

And Brian's just as broke as I am! But he wanted his bubba (that's how he refers to me, his bubba, lol) to be able to watch movies in my room again!

Dude is a PRINCE!

And this is, like, 2 weeks before Christmas, lol. He simply couldn't wait for me to have his present.

He gets that from our mom, I think. She and our Gan-Gan are the reason Brian & I have laptops. :) (Note: "Gan-Gan" is our maternal grandmother. I started calling her "Gan-Gan" when I was young, dumb and full of... youthful enthusiasm. I thought it was cool to call things by cutesy names -- and, I guess, it kind of was. It was the '80s. But the moniker has sort of stuck. my friend, now full-grown adults, some with kids of their own, still ask "How's Gan-Gan doing?")

DUDE!!!

I finally read Deepak Chopra's novel WHY IS GOD LAUGHING?!!! (That's not an exclamation of curiosity; the question mark there is part of the title. The three exclamation points are MY grammatical expression, whereas the question mark is the expression of the author within his title. Just wanted to be clear.)

I remember seeing the book around the time that THE LOVE GURU hit cinemas. But I never seemed to have the money handy to pick it up. (Because, as you know, I can't just buy the book... I have to buy the audiobook, if it exists, because I'm me. And the audiobook is always well-more expensive than the book.) Then I finally saw THE LOVE GURU on DVD -- thanks to the great and wonderful and loving Netflix!!! -- but I STILL didn't have the money.

Now, as you know, I have purchased and read many, many books between the time that THE LOVE GURU hit DVD and now.

BUT...

I had FORGOTTEN about WHY IS GOD LAUGHING? and so I didn't buy it.

Before now.

But Brian and I are working on 2 comedic novels, and we're playing with the idea of writing some sketches that we can shoot and edit and post on YouTube -- you KNOW I'll tell you about them and link up to them if/when we get them made and posted -- and so I've been itching to buy another copy of my old Comedy text book THE COMIC TOOLBOX by John Vorhaus. This is THE book on Comedy writing if you're an insecure writer looking to hone your comedy skills! I've read a few other authors, many legends in the field of writing Comedy, and NO ONE explains it better than Vorhaus! I don't know why that is. But like, if you want to know how to write, you go to Robert McKee and Karl Iglesias, neither of whom have written a screenplay (to my knowledge) in their life! but if you listen to what Aaron Sorkin or Joss Whedon have to say about writing, you'll be amazed and astounded and impressed, but it won't necessarily make YOUR script better. I think the same is true for Vorhaus. I don't know if he's ever written a screenplay or sitcom, but his take on how to write Comedy is sheer revelation!

They say -- rather snidely, if you ask me -- that "those who can't do teach." But it seems to me to be that many of those who can do, actually CAN'T teach. Not well, anyway. I mean, Stephen King, Michael A. Stackpole and William Goldman come to mind as exceptions to the rule... But you're always going to have the exceptions, right?

Anyway...

So I'm at Amazon, tracking down THE COMIC TOOLBOX, and some angel from Above reminds me about Deepak's novel about a comedian who goes on a spiritual journey -- the novel that Dan Akroyd and John Cleese praise, I might add -- and I happen to have enough money to buy BOTH!!! :D

And it turns out that WHY IS GOD LAUGHING? is great!

Whodathunk!

This is actually the 2nd Deepak Chopra novel I've read! Back in 1996, when I was living in Georgetown and could get a library card without paying a yearly fee for it (grumble, grumble, grumble, freakin' North Austin politics and their questionable politics, grumble, grumble) I listened to Deepak's OTHER work of fiction! It has to do with King Arthur and the gang, and there are these time/space slips, and it's very, very cool! I was just then getting into the Hindu/Eastern/Quantum Physics way viewing Time and I had heard about this guy Deepak Chopra who wrote all these books and was teaching people about the mysteries of Life, and so when I discovered he had written a novel and it was on cassette and I could check it out from the Georgetown Public Library, I pounced on it!

It would still be a decade before I would discover what Deepak Chopra and his work were really all about, but it was cool to get the taste. Plus, if you really want to experience non-linear Time -- Time as described by Eastern yogis and quantum physics -- read this book! Rollicking intensity! Besides Michael Crichton, who knew a doctor had such an adventurous side?!

So anyway, Deepak has written 2 novels -- out of 50+ -- and I've read them both, lol. And I haven't, YET, read a word of his non-fiction, lol.

But I've watched and listened to several of his talks. This man is AMAZING! He can tell you that simply thinking that you are healthy can make you healthy, then explain the intricate biological processes so clearly that you simply have no choice but to believe him! I mean, after he explains it, you feel like a million bucks, all energized and youthful and invigorated! GENIUS! Plus, he's got this sly wit and dry sense of humor that makes him easy to listen to. Oh, and don't forget the accent! Something about his very deep, very calm Indian accent makes you think of the voice of God, lol! James Earl Jones or Deepak Chopra, THAT'S what God sounds like!

THIS IS SO COOL, being able to write this!

For a while now, my physical location has limited my ability to write!

I mean, not really. It's all in my head.

If Stephen King were here, he'd call me a puss and tell me I'm not really a writer, I suspect.

I don't disagree, either, but I'm what Eddie Izzard might call "a Comfy Man", lol. I'm no Spartan, I can't fight naked, or live in a box with no bed. Stephen King and Scott Pressfield (author of THE WAR OF ART) are all about "write, no matter what the conditions are". But I'm, artistically, a wimp. If it's not fun, screw it; I'm not doin' it. I'll be creative when I FEEL creative. Otherwise, I can find some other way to occupy my time. I have an RCA Opal, I can let some other creative soul entertain ME. ;P

But anyway, lately I've had trouble being able to write.

In the past -- when Brian had 2 working computers -- I could slip off into his room (which he never used anymore, except for storage) and write on his computer. I met my Gnomey Goddess there, fell in love, wrote at least 2 short screenplays there, one short story, one audioplay, a handful of chapters of a doomed novel, and 2 feature-length screenplays in that room on that computer.

But then it broke down. :(

And, honestly, I haven't been able to write much since.

Something about the conditions one writes in seems to ease or stop-up the flow of creativity.

I'm writing this entry with Notepad, so I have no way of knowing how many words I've written so far, but it feels like a fair few! I can't seem to stop typing! The words keep coming and I feel compelled to type them out!

You can't write a work because... well... there's WORK going on.

And I really couldn't write on the Common Computer, because the chair was so uncomfortable and and space was just... I don't know... it seemed "restrictive" somehow. Read your email, respond if you have to, then get the hell out!

But sitting here, in my room, on my bed... Somehow this just feels PERFECT!

OOH! And I can't wait to see what it feels like to actually GO SOMEWHERE and write!!! :D

I remember, in 1998, my former boss had an extra laptop that he loaned to me. I was living with a roommate in Central Austin (I have yet to live alone... Curious... But usually I live with family, or a hot girl I intended to marry, or my ex-wife. (Who, you know... Was my WIFE wife then...) So the 2 times I live with "roommates" stand out in memory, for some reason.

Anyway, I may have done my best bit of writing back then. It was 45 or 75 pages (my memory can't decide on which) of a feature-length film that has yet to be completed. But the concept was, apparently, so good that two of my best friends, who happen to both be aspiring directors, fought over who was going to direct this movie when the script was completed.

Again, this was more than a decade ago, and we were young enough to hold pretty grandiose ideas about how our lives were going to turn out. Now, one of the friends -- the one that won the battle, actually -- is a husband and father of two AMAZING young girls, and the other is a producer in L. A. but he has yet to direct his own movie. And me... Not sure what I am. I am a blogger, a spiritual journeyman, a paranormal investigator, and I suppose an aspiring writer still.

And I'm Gnomey's boyfriend!!! :D xoxoxo And I'll one day be her fiance, and then her husband, and then the father of her children!!!

Which reminds me of a strange mental journey I took earlier this week! :)

It was the last couple of hours of my shift at work, and my mind wandered to what I might say to my younger self if I could travel, say, 20 years back in time.

At 19, I was thin and sexy, I was at what now appears to be my creative height as an actor (assuming I don't sprout an acting career in the future). I had just performed a lead in the "adult" production of THE NERD (I played Hammond, if you know the play) after more than a decade of playing leads and supporting character in the "children's" productions. I was "taking a year off from school" because, deep down, I suspected I was going to find my way to Hollywood and become a superstar, and skip the whole "higher education" process completely.

And I was also about to become a husband and very young father.

Now, twenty years later, what might I advise my younger self.

The exercise wasn't completely masturbatory: If the tale turned out interesting enough, I might make it a novel. There's certainly a market for it. What teen wouldn't want to learn the secrets of experience from an older version of himself/herself? And what adult wouldn't be intrigued by the possibility of hanging with his/her younger self? If I fit in enough humor and charm, this could be a sure sale!

So I explored it over the course of an hour or so...

You've got a pretty hot 19-year-old me who is at a sort of superficial peak, and you've got a you've got a sort of charming 39-year-old me who is at what may be a sort of spiritual peak. (Actually, I don't really feel like I'm "peaking". I really feel like I'm, maybe, a quarter of the way up a staircase that leads to whatever my next peak will be. But for the sake of the possible story, the character would need to be at a peak, or else there's really little point in telling the story, lol.)

So the 19-year-old me believes he's going to go to Hollywood and become the next Michael J. Fox. The 39-year-old me is the blogger you've come to sort of know. (Actually, if you read this blog, you probably know me in real life. But I'm tend to blog as though I have readers who only know me through this blog, lol.)

I considered the twists and turns my life was about to take -- failed application to the U. S. Coast Guard, a stint in Hollywood as a professional Extra and a failed actor, 17 years of study as a writer, author of a single unpublished Young Adult Horror novel, divorcee, more-or-less-absentee father to Tisha, working behind the scenes at a local TV station, rather than in front of the cameras of a Network TV show, non-degree-holding member of the national workforce making just enough to stay in electricity and a home and sometimes food, blogger, avid porn fan.

At 19, I thought I would be a rich and famous movie star by now.

When I examined the choices I was going to make in the next 20 years, how might I advise myself? How might I help my younger self avoid the needless pitfalls, and make choices to optimize my younger self's Life experience?

There's the old cliche, "If I had it all to do over again, I wouldn't change a thing." This works well for popular entertainment, because it makes us feel more comfortable with the mistakes we've made and the mis-steps we've taken in our lives. We walk away from the movie, or put down the novel, thinking "Whatever I do, it's all going to work out okay in the end." But intellectually, we know that this is probably a lie we choose to believe, so that we can just do any stupid ol' thing we feel like doing in the moment.

So I carried on a silent conversation with my younger self for an hour or so, re-examining the actions (or reactions) I took and where they lead me.

And I discovered a truly mind-boggling fact. Something I couldn't believe, but something the facts only verified, and could not dissuade.

I honestly would not change a thing in my past.

How freaky is THAT?!! I mean, you hear the old saying, and you know it's probably bullshit from an Old Timer to make himself feel better about his pathetic lot in Life, but when I honestly, candidly re-examined my choices and where they got me, I CAN NOT honestly imagine a better outcome!

I mean, could I have made choices that landed me a savings account and a better monthly income? Hell yeah!

Could I have made choices that resulted in less emotional pain? Fuck yeah!

But at what cost?

I'm being dead serious here.

My financial choices:

Until 2008, I read about the paranormal as entertainment, searching for ideas for Horror stories. It wasn't until around October of 2008 that it actually occurred to me that I could investigate this stuff for myself. I could learn for myself! I could take all the theoretical knowledge I gained from my reading and apply it to real-life situations and discover my own truth about the paranormal!

And my real fascination with the paranormal is a study of that shadow-land where the spiritual meets the physical. If I were a rich and famous movie star, I seriously doubt I would be exploring ANY aspect of the spiritual. Seriously, I grew up a fundamentalist Christian, and even still, I was A SLUT! I was perfectly comfortable telling my friends about how they would burn in hell if they didn't stop listening to stand-up comedians (whom I worshiped, too) who cursed, and yet I was getting laid by any hotty who was insecure enough to let me into her panties.

I was a shallow, shallow dude.

And yet, my very strict beliefs about how inescapable hell is are directly responsible for my deepr, more thorough exploration of my relationship to God. Just exactly HOW MUCH does He want me to die and suffer, lol? Why is He pissed off at me, and can I ever make Him not pissed? If He's "all love" then why did He create us to be unlovable? Etc.

My original belief system made it a sin -- I mean, "SIN!!!" -- to even explore paranormal subjects. As much as I wanted to be the Karate Kid, I thought I couldn't learn martial arts because Satan was hiding in Eastern Philosophy, lurking to turn me away from the path of God and lure me into eternal hellfire!

But it was one of my "bad choices" that led me to a deeper, more effortless, more fulfilling relationship as God as I (now) understand Her. (Btw, I don't really believe God has a gender, but I prefer the feminine because it forces me to think of Her in more open-minded terms than the masculine, which I grew up with.)

I'm not trying to preach to you or sell you on anything here, I'm just describing my journey.

But my spiritual identity has A LOT to do with how I perceive myself. And so I couldn't advise my younger self to change any of his choices regarding his spiritual path. Every choice he was going to make was going to subtly guide him to the spiritual landscape I now inhabit. And I know for a fact that THIS is where he wants to be right now.

But more than that, my younger self doesn't know that there will be something called "paranormal investigators"! as far as he knows, there are these nerdy eggheads called "parapsychologists" who have to deal with all the unpleasant aspects of academia, but don't get to make the money a PHd is supposed to afford other folk! My younger self has NO IDEA that some people will find relief from serious fear when he brings to bear his knowledge of the paranormal, and that some people will treat him like a rock star when we wears his investigator uniform, lol. He has no idea that the subject he studies now as a form of entertainment will one day become valuable, useful information for people who simply never gave as much attention to this topic as he has. In other words, by simply being himself, interested in what he's interested in, he will one day HELP strangers!

So if this younger self makes choices that lead him to more personal wealth, he's going to get distracted from the paranormal which, for him, is just a minor curio in which he occasionally indulges when something shinier isn't attracting his attention.

And THIS cat, this younger me, is going to LOVE being a paranormal investigator!!!

Who knows? Maybe in 2011 or 2012 his experiences in and knowledge of the paranormal will even gain him some notoriety.

But what about the heartaches? I know this cat has some seriously emotionally trying times ahead of him. For one thing, he will spend a decade alone, knowing there "must be" some perfect woman out there for him, with absolutely NO proof to corroborate his faith. This guy will spend some lonely, lonely nights imagining a perfect woman that he has no evidence exists. If I offer him a few pointers, he might be married to a great woman in the early 1990s, living a "normal" life and raising 2.5 children in a house with a white, picket fence.

If I help my younger self out, I can see to it that he holds onto a couple of the "good ones", or at least avoids a couple of the "bad ones".

But then there's Gnomey.

I have QUITE an imagination. I'm a writer. I can dream up a woman who is so sweet that your heart just goes out to her and you only want to protect her, and yet she's so sexy that you really, really want to just bend her over and do really naughty things to her, AND YET her physical appearance is just girl-next-door-ish that you really believe you have a shot with her, and only YOU perceive her TRUE beauty and sex appeal. It's not a hard task, actually. I just have to imagine everything I want from a woman, then consider my own insecurities as a man and as a human, then consider what Life has taught me about getting what I think I want, then meld all that into a character who possess the qualities that attract me so much that I want her, but who had flaws (to make her believable) but her flaws are small enough that they don't distract from the positive attributes.

I have imagined many, many incarnations of my "perfect woman".

And then I met Gnomey.

You hear these "spiritual truths" throughout your life. You hear that, for instance, holding our for the "right" whatever makes all the waiting worth it. You hear that everyone has a "perfect someone" somewhere out there, waiting for them. "Patience is its own virtue". Blah, blah, blah.

These "spiritual truths" aren't much comfort when you're on a 10-year "dry spell".

And yet...

This perfect combination of "failed" dreams and optimism, of closed doors and unforeseen opportunities leads the 36-year-old version of myself to meet a woman who possesses ALL my ideals about what "the perfect woman" is like AND BLOWS THEM OUT OF THE WATER!!!

When I got married at 19, I remember considering all the times I had been without a girlfriend and thinking "Thank God I'll never have to be lonely again".

An ironic thought, to be sure.

But now that I have my Gnomey Goddess, I am genuinely SO thankful for all she has given me that if something happened (and I have NO reason to believe it would, God bless) and she decided to break up with me, I would honestly be GRATEFUL for the time she shared with me! I mean, how perverse is THAT?!! This woman, effectively, loves me so thoroughly that Ever After is beside the point! I mean, usually we're looking for that person we want to spend the rest of our life with. And I have found a woman that I SO want to spend the rest of my life with, but if I didn't get the rest of my life, I would be cool with the time we've had with each other!

I get to have my cake AND eat it, too!

I somehow got to fall in love with a woman who makes all my ideals about perfection look half-formed, I got to experience HER falling in love with ME, I get to be loved by her and to love her, and her love for me -- however much it turns out to be in the long-run -- is ENOUGH for me!!!

How insane is THAT?!! Imagine you're at a buffet that you paid A LOT to attend. And imagine you eat absolutely EVERYTHING you want, and after an hour or so you're full and completely sated. BUT THE BUFFET IS STILL OPEN! If you get hungry in another hour, you can eat MORE! And if you're hungry an hour after that, YOU CAN EAT MORE! You don't have to leave! It's just THERE, right there in front of you! And if, for whatever reason, the owner actually does escort you out of the restaurant and tells you the meal is finally over, you feel contended that you have eaten WAY MORE than your money's worth. BUT YOU HAVE NO REASON TO BELIEVE THAT MOMENT WILL EVER COME!!! You may well be allowed to stay at that restaurant for the rest of your life, continually enjoying that amazing feast, forever more!

And if I advised my younger self to avoid any of the emotional low points he has ahead of him, he might never experience this feeling. One emotional low point leads, inescapably, to this emotional high he has waiting for him when he becomes me. I mean, as a writer I might be able to contrive some situation which allows my younger self to avoid the lows and still experience the highs, but even I wouldn't believe they were actually possible.

So where all this is leading is here:

In my imaginary conference with my younger self, I discovered that I simply could not, in good conscience, suggest that he make any choices different from what I, myself, chose.

In all sincerity, no bullshit and I'm not being sentimental here, if I had it all to do over again, I genuinely would not change a thing.

How messed-up is that?

I sincerely hope you're enjoying your holidays, and I very genuinely hope that should you ever take the time to look over your past choices, you discover that you are exactly where you want to be!!!

:D