"Heartburn Changes Everything"

A commercial made this (rather bold, I feel) statement.

Everything, apparently...

This is alarming information.

If heartburn changes everything, then apparently I don't even have to have it to be affected!

If heartburn only changed things for the person suffering from it, it wouldn't change everything. It would change "everything related to the person who suffers from it."

But this ad stated that heartburn "changes everything".

But then... I've noticed that there are some things in my life that haven't changed. My shoe size is the same. My bedroom appears to be the same. My love of pizza appears not to have altered in the slightest.

So maybe -- just maybe -- the writers of this commercial didn't mean everything. Perhaps they were merely over-stating for dramatic effect.

Even still, this is alarming news to me!

Even if heartburn merely changes almost everything, that's still a VERY POWERFUL disorder!!!

This means that a team of dedicated research scientists got together and made a list of all the things that heartburn changes, and all the things that heartburn doesn't change, and the list of things that heartburn changes IS LONGER!!!

I would seriously like to see this list!

I need to know exactly what heartburn changes! (It could be vital to my future!)

For instance, does heartburn change how much I make?!! Does it alter my middle name?!! Does heartburn change my Gnomey Goddess's feeling for me?!!

Good God, my ignorance of what all heartburn changes could alter my reality as I know it!!! :O

And this doesn't even address the issue of HOW heartburn changes the things it changes!!!

In fact, come to think of it, maybe heartburn doesn't change everything for the worse! This data was not revealed in the 30-second commercial spot... Maybe heartburn changes something for the better!

For instance, in what way does heartburn change my income? Does it give me MORE money?

If so, I may become a fan of heartburn!

And in what was does heartburn poverty in Third World countries? Maybe heartburn cuts down poverty there.

Again, if this turns out to be the case, I gotta give kudos to heartburn!

WELL DONE, HEARTBURN!!! :D

I'm also curious to know how heartburn changes contact with alien races...

For all we know, heartburn might smooth over any misconceptions aliens might have gathered about the human race from observation -- you know, like what our tendency to war with each other might accidentally lead them to believe about our temperament and state of mind as a species -- and convinced them that we're really quite groovy people after all.

In which case, I <3 HEARTBURN!!!

Heartburn REWLZ!!!

You know, I was starting to get tense about the direction of human society -- what, with the sinking of the US dollar, Global Warming and the proliferation of Reality TV shows -- but now, thanks to heartburn, I think we're all gonna be just fine!

THANK YOU, HEARTBURN!!!

AND GOD BLESS US, EVERYONE!!!

:D